The Love is Mine

I’ve learned a lot about love this weekend.  In some ways, I want to share all the wonderful things about the way my relationship with Gustavo is different and better than any I’ve experienced in my life.  And by better, I don’t mean “better in a different way.”    Best even works here.   It’s an entirely new and unique experience.  But, the love is mine – or, ours; and, even though my beau gave permission to write about him and the bits of our love that are sweet or salty, I’m not convinced I want to share.

What I will say is that this is what I’ve always thought love was about, or what love should be about.  This is everything I’ve ever wanted and didn’t believe existed for me.   It has far surpassed the best thing for myself I imagined I wanted.  I hear people say that about experiences – “This surpassed my wildest expectations!”, and I always thought they were full of shit.  But here I am.

I’ve had relationships that were painful more often than they were joyful.  Residual anxiety, pain and fear from the experiences in those relationships occasionally still show up in my perceptions, feelings and expectations now.  It’s a frustration.  It takes a conscious effort and extraordinary mindfulness and trust on my part to work through those moments, to remind myself that I don’t have to carry a burden alone or that he’s not going unexpectedly ditch me in an hour because he (or I) didn’t like something I (or he) said or did.  But I’m constantly, if slowly, conditioning away from these moments, relearning, and being proven wrong; I love that.  It’s definitely a two-way street.

What I’ve always felt to be true – what I know now to be true, is this:  We show up for the people we love.  We don’t  hide when it’s hard or we’re mad.   We don’t turn our backs when we dislike things they do or say, or when we feel hurt.   We don’t play games with, manipulate, diagnose or use people we truly love.  We don’t keep our feelings tightly barreled.   We show up every day, every time, and we say “I do” to them again and again, in hundreds of ways–when it’s hard and when it’s easy.

We’ve made that commitment to each other.   Every day, I love him a little bit more.  I know I haven’t experienced this kind of love before, and for me, that makes it even more wonderful.   The other day after a grumpy couple of days with some poor communication and frustration on my part, Gustavo said, “This is hard. But I haven’t forgotten that I love you or that I want a life with you.”

That, my friends, is love.

We bring out the best in each other, even when it’s hard as hell.   As Churchill once (sorta) said, ‘when it’s hard as hell, keep going.’

Tie a knot and hang on.

Because Love makes it through.  This, I believe.