Back in mid-December, upon having not a whole lot else to do a few days after my surgery, feeling weary and weird about the holidays and impending New Year celebrations (and having watched OD’d on season one of “Glee” all day), I pulled up the remaining e-mail from my ex, RB, that I could find. There was one email left that I had saved out of all the e-mails during our four-year relationship (the rest tossed out over the summer). It was the very last exchange we had, in May 2009. I felt I had to give some serious reflection to it, particularly, the end of the email.
At the end of his e-mail, my ex addressed the negative feelings that lingered between us at that time. At closing, he wrote, “There is another secret, and that’s, when not feeling resolved about something, apologize. I did it a few emails up and it felt good.”
I was thinking about that final line, his suggestion. My ex used to complain that I apologized too much (the whole, “don’t do anything to be ‘I’m sorry’ for” line); I would say that he was right about that. My complaint of him was that I didn’t feel his apologies–few and far between as they were–were ever genuine, including the one he referenced in that last line. He’d pretty much given up apologizing long ago. Reading over that line again, I wondered if it was even worth apologizing, now. He hasn’t acknowledged my existence since that last e-mail. In fact, I didn’t know it at the time, but, when he wrote that reply, just seven months after our break-up, he was already engaged to someone he’d been dating for six months and has since married (our four-year relationship ended in September ’08).
Marrying someone else a year after the end of our four-year relationship still feels unforgivable for me. My negative feelings for him have lessened, and I am certain that he’s happier now. In fact, I’ve been able to consider all the wonderful things he did for me and the more wonderful and difficult things that he did in our relationship: paying the mortgage while I ran off to school everyday; taking me on small, weekend retreats; loving Poe enough to shovel out thousands of dollars over a period of five days for that sweet cat’s life to be saved; or, sitting up with me during the night while I cried, among other things. Overall, my feelings toward …our relationship, I suppose, have turned into feelings that I can’t quite describe; maybe a numbness or an ambivalence? In brief moments on occasion, I can feel the rusty drone of a slight sadness slip over me.
He told me at one point that it was my fault that our relationship didn’t work out–that I was the reason he left. But, it’s a two-way street, which is something that took me a long time to realize and accept. It’s not all my fault. He didn’t show up for our relationship most of the time, and most of the time he didn’t know what he wanted but didn’t want to fully walk away either. I know he knows that. He wanted to make me happy and he couldn’t. I know he knows that. There were so many things wrong on so many levels, and I have been over and over and over those things in my head.I suppose in so some small way, I’ve come to terms with those things–or, most of them. Or, maybe it’s that I’ve come to terms with knowing I’ll never be able to remember, acknowledge or come to terms with them all (such a complicated web we weave).
Apologize. Apologize. I guess if we can apologize and throw everything up into a box in our head from our heart, it’s easy for a simple “I’m sorry” to wipe away our negative feelings and ignore a four-year relationship. I just can’t say “I’m sorry”, though, and wash away my bad feelings–for him or for us. I understand the reasons I needed our relationship at the time; it reflected who I was growing up; it validated the belief I had in myself that I didn’t need proper love or care by someone else. I didn’t see it at the time. I don’t blame anyone for that; not even myself–how would I have known? Of course, I loved him deeply as well. Understanding why I was in that relationship–why it was a bad relationship for me to be in–doesn’t take away the good memories, the good feelings, the good times, the good traits about my ex that make it such a meaningful, bitter-sweet and important part of my life. Thus, hard for me to just drop it all in a bucket and grab the arm of the next chum, happily ever after.
The truth is, I AM sorry for everything, and I could probably write a list of specific apologies for two hours or more or send an e-mail with said apologies that he won’t read or acknowledge. But, does it matter anymore, and did it matter in May? Then, I suppose, do I know why I’m sorry? Am I sorry because we were both horrible actors in that relationship? Am I sorry that it didn’t work out? Am I sorry for all the bad things I did alone? For the things I did in response to the ways I felt I was treated badly? Am I sorry I feel I still have to defend myself? That I can’t come to terms with how things ended, or how he domesticated with someone else six weeks later? Am I sorry that I wasn’t a better partner? That I hurt him in ways that I’ll never really know? That he hurt me in ways he will never really know? I have no idea, to be honest. I suppose, yes, I’m sorry for all of that. I’m sorry for my actions. I’m sorry for his, too. And, there are other aspects for apologies that don’t revolve around actions or words.
Those, though, are more tangible and easily regrettable. I think it took that relationship with RB to get me where I am today, emotionally and mentally (ironically, probably a place where we’d get along better, had our relationship started today and not five years ago). But, someone else gets to reap that benefit, which is also a beautiful thing. I’m trying to get used to sharing my life with someone else; it’s not difficult, but it’s not always a walk in the park. I still have a lot of work to do. I think that, while a couple of “what-ifs” creep up on occasion, our history resulted in the best of outcomes. And while I thought (hoped?) that this post would give me some sort of feel-good chill up the back of my bony spine (it hasn’t), I do see that it is in a pretty tight margin of honesty and self-awareness to where I am now in this particular journey, our relationship and our history. And, I’m happy with that.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. - Rumi