Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. - Rumi

Quotes are my yoga today. They serve me as reminders to be good to myself, my body, my mind, my heart, to accept and sit with my tears.

I’m glad it’s Friday. I am hoping to get out and take some photographs this weekend. Until then, here’s a peak at what I’ve been up to this last week (and this summer). Studying at Muse, cooking with delicious summer eggplant, roaming around South Lake Union with my brother and sister-in-law, lunch at the Salmon House and spending some much-needed (for me) time with the felines. Grace turns 13 this month; Dandy turns 3 in a couple of weeks. (Happy birthday, cats! You’re both heading to the groomer!) This is, by far, my most favorite photo of Dandy. It’s a candid shot taken with my iPhone; he was hopefully waiting for “permission” to jump from the chair to the dining table (that permission is never granted, but that doesn’t stop him from asking).

Often we listen to a cat with more precision than we listen to our body. We cherish the cat. It purrs. Our body may have to release a scream, a symptom, to be heard by us at all. Too often, our soul can find no other way to be heard. - Marion Woodman

Have a wonderful weekend!

Sometimes she could. Many times, it wasn’t a good time, and her mother, Sandy, would say, “Not right now, but maybe in a little while.” I would hopefully agree, and Celeste’s mom would close the front door.

Instead of walking home to play with my sister or one of my other besties (a neighbor boy), I would sit very patiently, very quietly on the milk box to the left of Celeste’s front door. I sat there to wait. And wait. And wait. And wait, full of hope that, very soon, Celeste could come out to play with me. After all, her mom did say, “…maybe in a little while.” More often than not, after about an hour, assuming I was inside playing with Celeste, my mom would call Sandy to check on me. Upon finding out I wasn’t inside playing, she would poke her head out the front door across the street to see me sitting on the milk box and, sometimes impatiently, call me back home or call Sandy and ask that she send me on my way. I was usually scolded to stop waiting on the milk box for Celeste. As defiant as I am, I never stopped. I had hope!

I did this so many times I’m not sure there’s an accurate count.

It’s a little embarrassing to recount this childhood scene. But, it’s still so relevant to my life. I recently recounted this with my therapist in one or two of our sessions. I felt very sad and a little ashamed to admit it, to be honest. I feel sad for that little girl I was, waiting and hoping that my friend would play. But, as I told my therapist, I’m still sitting on the milk box, waiting until he can come out to play. I did the same thing with RB, and I learned my lesson then. Why–WHYYY?–am I doing this again? Isn’t this what you call insanity?

The toughest part of a relationship (or friendship) for me is that when I’m mad at the other person, it’s usually because I’m mostly mad at myself. And by mostly mad at myself, I mean, not really mad at anyone but myself, for my own flaw and weakness. I’m really pissed off at him right now. I have been for days. But I recognize that (one) I’m really pissed off at myself, and (two) I’m more pissed off that I care about him; that, after four days, I want to see him knowing nothing will change if I do. (And he wants to see me, but I said no.) I’m angry that I know my price tag has gone up, and I’m not displaying it. God, I really thought I’d evolved.

I hate that I can’t walk away from something that I know is a complete dead-end for me. I hate that I see myself as weak for not just cutting it off with the sharpest-possible metaphorical knife. I hate that at times I’m miserable because I choose to not cut it, and I’m miserable when I have decided to cut it. And as a result, in a way, I hate myself. Dislike is probably more accurate, but work with me here;

I’m having a moment.

I’ve decided to move on. Apparently, so has he. But I hate that, like RB, he won’t let go all the way. He wants the relationship without the commitment. Hold up.

WHAT?

Yet, somehow, that keeps enough alive in me to hope, to sit on the milk box and maintain that optimism that things will change.

What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously. I have babies to make, and a man to love (eventually). And by the way, that milk box is probably long recycled. I’m really probably sitting on air, about to fall at any moment.

(This felt really great to write, so if you’re reading, thank you.)

(missing from the photos: Tess and Debra)

Om Namah Shivaya

“I bow to Shiva.”

Receive the gifts of Shiva: courage, divine love, union, passion, renunciation, and enlightened meditation.

Love. ♥

It’s a little bit of a big deal to me. It’s encouraging–like maybe I’d really rawk a law degree. But, unlike the Seattle weather this summer, which is not encouraging, not rawkin’ and not at all summery.

In fact, I’m officially declaring as a Fremont resident and on behalf of the entire city: summer skipped Seattle 2011.

Is there really any saving it now??

In a small way, I feel like I’ve given up hope for any semblance of warm, cheery summery weather. The kind where one can have a picnic and make out under breezes that feel great on a hot summer day. The kind where no down vest or jacket is required. Where falling in love is easy and unlimited. Instead, I have settled into waiting for the arrival of the wonderful foggy, dark mornings of fall. Has hibernating begun? Where’s my down vest?

(It’s hanging here on the back of my chair, waiting for me to walk out the door, of course. No brainer!)

Tonight, I am having dinner with my oldest friend who is in Seattle visiting this week from Omaha. We met in the first grade. My fondest memories are of running to the drinking fountain in the classroom and running back to our seats to see who could hold the water in the longest. Back and forth… I still wonder how that was tolerated by the teacher – who quite likely had stepped out of the classroom. Another fond memory is that night when we painted her much-older brother’s toes with polish while he slept in. Oh man, I remember the wrath when he woke up! Then there was the month we spent together in Sweden.

She moved with her mom and dad to Saudi Arabia when we were nine, would visit once a year or so, and they moved back when we were going in to junior high school. Since the end of college, she’s moved around all over the place with her hubby’s military career (he’s an officer). It’s crazy to believe we were able to stay in touch after all of these year and moves. But the cool part is that we can talk about anything, and we are so much alike in personality, it’s frightening. Of course, physically-speaking, we couldn’t be more different. She’s a classic long-blond Swede and an absolutely gorgeous mother of two. So looking forward to mashing tonight in Fremont.

I’ve been really digging on a few neat things. Thought I’d share them.

1.  ellemoss on Etsy.

I have been following this artist on Etsy for a few months and have a handful of her work in my favorites. What I like the most is her expression of surrealism, a favorite of mine in art. I haven’t actually purchased any of her art yet, but as I mentioned yesterday I’m gearing up to purchase a variety of art for the living room and hall way – and maybe one or two pieces for the bedroom.

2. Decorative Switch Plates.

A few months ago, I went through and replaced all the plain switch plates in my apartment with some more decorative. There are a few artists who I’ve seen and one other that I have purchased from, but I find loxlee‘s to be a much higher quality. I can’t tell – and she doesn’t specify – if the artist uses high-quality printed paper, or fabric, or other material. But, I love how they brighten up the place.

3. Skydottir Epic Cookies.

Have you seen these around Seattle? They. Are. AMAZING. These are mini, gourmet chocolate chip cookies made vegan, gluten-free and alternatively sweetened. No sugar. And the best part about these is that you would never know it. They are moist, rich and, honestly, incredibly decadent. I’ve found them at Whole Foods in Roosevelt, A Muddy Cup and Homegrown. There are two drawbacks: 1) I’ve only ever found them them as single minis or in packs of three minis; 2) they’re pretty pricey. But the price is completely worth it. They really are epic – and I was not sponsored to say that. I wish they’d distribute at WF Interbay…

4. Pecans.

I ♥ pecans. I used to think they were like walnuts, which weren’t really ever able to impress me especially after I’m left with a bad reaction (allergy?). But pecans? No. They are so much more than a walnut semi-look-a-like. They are rich in Omegas, have almost a sweet flavor and add a nice texture to any dish. Most recently, I’ve used them in whole grain muffins (sooo delicious), homemade mushroom caps (nice replacement for breadcrumbs) and sprinkled into my morning steel-cut oats. Love me some pecan.

5. Gaucho Pants.

I don’t know what else to say about these except that I love them. They are comfort. They are casual. They can be dressed up. They are my go-to pant whenever it’s time to relax.

6. Little Black Dress.

I bought my most recent LBD for a formal masquerade party at the Needle, but I’ve found it a great little dress for all kinds of evening and late afternoon events – as casual as BBQs. Whether it’s dressed up or down really depends on the accessories – shoes, jewelry, scarf or belt. I’m no fashionista – in fact, I’m faaar from it; but, this little dress was well worth the money. It’s done right by me. :)

7. Split-shot double tall soy latte.

More realistically, it should look like this: splitshotdoubletallsoylatte. We’re seriously just a couple of months from my favorite treat, the pumpkin spice latte. Can’t wait!

PS: I have not been asked nor paid to “endorse” any of these items. :)